losing my femininity in india

Arriving at Everest Basecamp.
Braless.

As I sat on the flight to Jaipur in Rajasthan (Northern India) I felt a very uncomfortable feeling having a man further down the carriage relentlessly turn his head in order to stare at me. I wasn't wearing anything revealing, nor make up and yet this man followed me to the luggage collection before I had to say to him "go away". As is common for Western women in India, I soon realised I was getting a lot of ‘attention’ or glares from men. Farrel my ‘gay husband’, a friend from Sydney who I travelled with through Rajasthan for a few weeks would joke that he felt like he was ‘married to a celebrity’ and, bless his heart, found it pretty frustrating that he was constantly feeling in the background despite me saying I'd gladly exchange places. Personally nothing was more irritating than the constant request for a photo, the ‘are you married?’ and the feeling of being incredibly vulnerable.

At the beginning of my trip I was 'touched up' on a tourist bus twice, the first time I was asleep and felt ‘something’ which woke me and after stealthily covering half my face with my eye patches managed to catch the guy as he went for a second attempt. I got the confidence to speak up and thankfully he was later kicked off the bus. The second time I donkey kicked the guy and made it very clear that he was “not right!” shaking a boiling hot chai in his face as I walked on to the bus after our ‘pee in the street’ and 'grab a chai' stop.

It's a sad world we live in where women can’t express their femininity without feeling naked to the eyes of glaring men and I have wondered what the impact of pornography has had to the conditioning of minds, likewise, I appreciate that in India the imported Hollywood movies tell a 'story' of how women in the West behave and hence, leading to certain ideas very much off the mark.

My friend Adi, the local doctor.
Check out those pants!

So in an unconscious act of defence I travelled boyishly and wore a bindi. I made many friends who were guys, including local guys who didn’t see me as anything beyond a bahini (sister) which made traveling much more fun, offered a sense of security at times and empowerment actually. But it made me also pretty unsexy.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been practicalities in embracing my inner Tom Boy, I allowed myself to get hairy, much to the disgrace of my family, my toiletries whittled down to a bar of soap, a toothbrush and toothpaste. My dresses and skirts were abandoned and donated along with most my luggage as I left my big heavy rucksack to go to the post winter chill of the Himalayas where I stayed for 7 months. I adapted my style in line with the community, sporting the local woollen shawls, a bindi and whatever items of clothing were kindly donated to me (see above). I saw it as respectful to their culture as I saw many female tourists floating in with tight fit leggings and revealing tops. So I acquired quite an interesting wardrobe and wondered to myself on the fancy dress we call life. The fun we can have with 'costume' whether its a business suit or a pretty dress.

What seemed to come with my distinct lack of attentiveness to my femininity was the ability to travel and feel safe in India and Nepal. I became much more connected with Mother Nature. I had super short nails and would allow myself to get dirty trekking around the mountains. It was worth it in order to adventure and not attract attention to myself of a desirous nature.

Funnily enough, I didn't realise how unfeminine I had become until I visited the family of a dear friend in Kathmandu and found myself being dressed up by his mother and sister in a pink sari, having bangles placed on my wrists and getting my nails polished by them. It felt strangely familiar and I wondered why I hadn't allow myself to be a woman as I came to the end of my trip.

Which brings me to this feeling of frustration that as a woman I had to hide it. I was afraid to provoke. What kind of world do we live in where a woman has to do this in order to travel comfortably? Now I choose to be more direct and empowered. I protect myself. But it takes a lot to step out of that fear but I have to be straight with men who express interest - if its not there, its not there - but why sacrifice what could be an amazing long haul of a friendship?

I hope one day to see more equality and respect between the sexes. We have the same male-female genome on a genetic level, despite the hormones and we’re all human. Sure there are carnal desires but I hope mutual respect and love for one another can transcend that. Following the horrific rape of the young girl on an Indian bus, this message really hit home for me.