surviving a 'grown up' gap year(s)

I love it when I explain to people that I am travelling around the world and they respond "Oh have you just finished Uni?" Urm... nope. I'm 28 now complete with wrinkles. I was however the 'over-achiever' who believed all the lies and chased her way from Law degree to London Stock Exchange to Sydney advertising world and worked insanely hard with lots of determination to succeed. Ambitious little number I was but one that lost sight of her dreams.

That said I needed to work; I had a ridiculous amount of student debt to tackle and a ruthless determination not to depend on my parents for financial support after University. So my gap year was belated and aptly timed with my quarter-life crisis that involved breaking up with an amazing boyfriend and best-friend, leaving my wonderful mates, the beach view apartment and quitting my career in time to miss the award ceremonies whilst obsessively taking up Bikram yoga and herbal tea wondering what the hell I truly wanted in this life (thanks to friends for showing up at this time). I remember sitting down with my boss and mentor Andrew Wynne, after being at the company for a mere 9 months, explaining 'I have to go' as being one of the scariest things I'd ever done in my career. Incredibly and much to my surprise he said 'we'll have you back when you're done Jess'.

My 'gap year' has been more of a giant poop-my-pants leap year. And actually not really a gap year at all as it nears plural status. However, I can say that at 26 years old, my decision to leave pretty much everything to go on a journey of self-discovery and adventure until I 'run out of money' has been the best possible gift to myself. Incredibly frightful nevertheless especially as I initially allowed my inner child to take the reins. A bad-ass tomboy who likes extreme sports, rolling in nature, doing crazy things like getting lost up mountains, hanging out with rebels and inevitably one that had to relive a sense of self-abandonment. Strength in adversity proved true.

Being the change I wanted to see in the mountains

Nevertheless, self-psychosis aside, one thing I have realised is the limited ideas we can have when it comes to money. This question comes up a lot with people; "how do you afford it?". Well simply put: I give but not with money in mind. More for fun actually. It feels good to give doesn't it? And giving is more than money, its life's most valuable asset; time and effort.

By living in the giving and being detached from what comes back; This is how I feel I've walked into abundance. Of course money is practical, and a means of survival in this material world, but it is not the only thing we can offer in exchange for a positive experience in life. In fact, just being awesomely true to oneself and others has its benefits; people actually enjoy your company for one thing! And working from the heart on projects gives a natural high (look how much I am buzzing in this pic!) and genuinely giving a damn about the world in a hands-on way can reward in ways that transcend the illusion of 'give to get'.

I remember locals asking me whether I got paid to collect garbage (read my little PR rant here) and were somewhat confused when I said no, I do it for love (and garbage on the path kinda pisses off this British earth mother). And for me, obviously, it really isn't about making money - that's what I did to afford the journey in the first place and I'm committed to keep traveling until it runs out so I may as well make myself useful. Miraculously, it seems to stretch the less I worry about it and the more humbly I live. Importantly I've also learned to accept the kindness of others; which is difficult when pride kicks-in. I'd say the biggest miracle had to be when my tax accountant emailed me to say that I didn't have to pay him his fees and for me to see it as a contribution to my travels. When your tax accountant says that - you get busy!

If you are blessed enough to live within the top 5% of the world's richest (if you're reading this, that is likely to include you) then I hope this message resonates on some level. Some of the most inspiring people I have met were happy to trade their services or just happy to give in anyway they could. In fact the lovely circulation of seasonal clothing in the backpacker community is really awesome as is couch-surfing and that doesn't go to mention my surrogate family in Parvati family who were so humble that my heart is still broken.

I have also realised that real friends are the ones that want to see you shine. And I hope in a way I can make that happen for 'my crew'. I've loved being a photographer on adventures, making videos, offering strategic communications advice or just showing up when my intrepid soul brothers and sisters could do with a chat, cuddle, bed or a cook up.

You see something I have learned is true appreciation for life before anything else. The mere opportunity to be alive is pretty awesome not to mention to be born in a developed nation. Then I could go in to the things I am super grateful for: my family, friends and also importantly; me. I have truly proven to myself that I can grab life by the balls on my own. Eeeeek! Well ‘alone’ is really figuratively speaking as ‘no man is an island’ however, I have to remind myself that all I am left with is a bit of courage when things don't go to plan, I get seriously sick or my heart gets broken.

My surrogate family in remote Himalayas

And living a remarkable life does take the courage to face a lot of fears while learning to endure discomfort whether its cockroaches, an armpit of an Indian man on a local train, getting my backside pinched on a tourist bus, falling childishly in love with someone who doesn’t love me the same way, singing to an audience, racing boats in regattas, crossing the Atlantic as a chef(!) or presenting an online TV show. Yup. I actually experienced those things. All instances where I have had a daemon on my shoulder telling me some stupid story to take my power away as I faced some darker emotions that people don't see in the highlights reel: loneliness, vulnerability and shame.

Like kryptonite to Superman's soul the toxic self-talk and uncomfortable situations did nothing less than drag me down and yet challenge me once again to keep going when all I wanted was to hide away somewhere or 'fly home to Mum'. And no word of a lie, while I love a challenge there comes a point where peaceful surrender becomes the best resort to the battle. To embrace Lennon and let it be. To rise to the challenge with faith that whatever will be will be and work really bloody hard at ensuring that each day is still fully lived and each lesson is learned. That I show up to life despite its 'moments' and keep being positive because there's always something to smile about.


Traveling alone can be hard as hell. I’ve missed my family, my friends, my home comforts, my mind at times and I’ve even missed having a man to share those romantic moments with. However I know I have given myself space and time to get to know Jess, I've made some wonderful friends and learned to take full responsibility for 'me and my story'.

There are times when I really just want to find a base and hide away in a cave of comforts, a nice wardrobe, some pretty jewellery, a network of stable friends on my doorstep, have my family on call, my own kitchen(!), the routine and security of a 9-5 job but then I remind myself I have lived that life and will have the rest of my life to live it again one day.  So I'm keeping the dream alive while the Universe invites me to and working very hard to share as much kindness on the way while preserving my sanity i.e. knowing when to walk away. That to me is a much more powerful currency than money and a powerful thing to trust in through personal experience. Sadly an intellectual understanding of karma, philosophy and wise idioms didn't cut it for me… I had to learn it myself through some raw experiences.

So that's how I've survived my relentlessly changing and challenging world. The non-stop scenery and costume change of these last 22 months. I hope my sentiments aren't too self-indulgent. Perhaps they are. I have to write my ramblings somewhere and crazily people read my drivel (thanks if you made it this far).

But perhaps these words might even inspire someone to take life by the balls too, to follow their heart, live and give a little if not A LOT without being afraid of scarcity. 

G'waaaaan, what's the worst thing that can happen? 

It's not like we're getting out alive.

“Indeed our hearts are golden treasures, but a true tragedy would be to conceal your inner gold because you are afraid of someone stealing it or it falling and breaking. There is no love in fear. The great wisdom of the ages always tells us the more we Love the more of it you receive. Love is not a giving or a taking, it is a state of being – a one way street of allowing, accepting and holding a space for all things to be exactly as they are. 

Fear not that your heart will be broken or stolen. Love becomes love. Give it away with no expectation of return and soon you will be having a love affair with the whole world!” - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

ferocious vulnerability on tour

I have been on such turns and bends alight with multiple culture shocks such as witnessing the heart breaking devastation of the post-apocalyptic tsunami in Japan, learning the balancing act of sailing at sea, having humility pumped through my veins by the mesmerising Himalayas and reconnecting with family in such a beautiful way along the road. Its been intensely revealing and while traveling is amazingly fun and adventurous it certainly asks you to be present even when initially you don't like what you see. Perhaps that's where serendipity comes in.

Rush hour Tokyo

I witnessed the chaotic world in Buenos Aires and the impact a man has over a beautiful but insecure woman as he whistles and shouts sexually charged words at her in a city that has the highest cases of bulimia. I've seen the commuters passing out in to their mobile phones on the speedy commuter trains of Tokyo, a city so emotionally repressed that buildings have suicide proof windows and a business culture that expects workers to stay until their boss leaves the office be 9pm or 3am. I've seen the ignorance a culture (who's government is hell bent on growth) can create in one of the most beautiful places in the world as garbage lines the paths and riverbanks in the "Holy" spots of India and how affluent Everest tourism has poisoned the minds of the once staunchly religious Buddhist community in Nepal as one approached temples to pray and instead got directed immediately to donation boxes.

I've seen how we bullied ourselves in to disharmony and disconnection with one another, with our families, with our real home, nature and especially with our beautiful selves. This has been the most incredibly expansive experience of my life yet and still equally one that brought me back to myself; a chaos within I had to accept, the conditionings of society and culture to reflect upon, fears to face, materialism that never quite filled the sense of emptiness and impact a childhood truly had on my subconscious from when my brother was born sick with a hole in his heart to the bullying endured during a dramatic money-fueled divorce. Yup. Shit happens in this world on all sorts of scales. But that's how we learn and thankfully it all lives in the past; that illusory place that's only really a subjective story not serving the present moment beyond the wisdom one may have learned and emotions that might want to pop up and be surrendered.

So now I am in Antigua; the Caribbean. This is a stunning place, with wonderful heartfelt culture and again one of extremities. The locals, mostly black, still carry the sufferings their ancestors fought through thanks to slavery which is projected on to the "Whites" who reflect back an innate fear of the unknown. The blacks have wristbands to represent "Black Power" and with the huge affluent sailing community and living near "English Harbour", a place that brings in many elite sailors of Great Britain with lovely la-dee-da accents, I've been intrigued by the contrast of shame and pride that plays on repeat between these cultures.

The beautiful and hopeful story is that there are also people here who see beyond colour and are encouraging more balance and connection between these communities that can learn so much from one another. Many of them seen as the mad ones. The visionaries  I have faith that eventually we'll be united perhaps not by choice but as means to survive as we are certainly causing enough damage to our home.

The music scene here is world class. I LOVE reggae; its beat inspires that of the heart and my feet just can't help but bounce to it. I craved some reggae beats in India as I subjected myself to relentless trance at music festivals (for a good cause) and frankly trance isn't really a scene for me. I go out to some of the music nights here to get my socks blown off by live jazz or a local reggae band while flying round like the social butterfly I am, surprisingly sober given I don't really drink much these days, and my travel budget appreciates it, chatting to new friends and learning of their worlds, exchanging learnings as we go and feeling alive and grateful. But I walk home alone. Alone safely self-protected.

A lesson I've had to learn is how to be vulnerable. Because I am. Constantly. Any solo female traveler will agree that feeling perpetually vulnerable in the vortex of the unknown develops a ferociousness and sense of faith even through the darkest of times. Learning to keep one's wits about them and know how to walk away from trouble and step out of others people's stuff. To be sane while the world around oneself is being insane. To be responsible and to take deep breaths in those moments of reflection and confusion and to protect oneself from the naughty children out there!

The world is doing some really crazy things. I would read about it. I watched documentaries about it. I spent a lot of breath talking about it.

Feeling it, on the other hand, shook my soul awake through that powerful sense of ferocious vulnerability.