are you a drop in the ocean? or the ocean in a drop?

One of the virtues of being in charge of my own time, mostly, has been the opportunity to reflect on some of the deeper questions on life. This is not new for me. As a child I remember asking "what is the meaning of life?" with the rather cute response being "to find the meaning". For a little nipper, that is pretty wise and deep...

I'm fascinated by philosophy. Love to get poetic and metaphoric with spirit and science. I get called a 'hippy' on a regular basis. Which still bugs me a little but I am learning to embrace it. I don't know what qualifies me as a hippy... But nevertheless as a 'bonafide hippy' there's one idea I work to advocate and that is the shortcut key of 'Peace & Love'. I've got there a few times. Of completely 100% embodying this place but then like a burning fire on a relentless mission to purify the soul, something will come up and I'll be put back to work again. That's the inside practice.

What I often fall in to duality with is the 'inside-outside' world. I have written a lot on some of the madness our world faces and there have been times when I have walked around and felt disturbed by the world around me. Just the other day I walked around Times Square and being wide open to everything felt like I was taking a huge over excited moving screen hit of neon that was injected directly in to my adrenal gland. People everywhere. Lights everywhere. Messages. Buy, buy, buy... Eurgh. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Then I teleport back to walking through a small market town in the Himalayan region of India and seeing a beautiful grubby girl holding a plastic bag full of empty bottles. I loved that child. She was doing such a service by collecting that recyclable waste instead of allowing it all to toxify the lands in the area. But her society saw her as a low caste, an 'untouchable'. When I held her hand and we walked through the street together, my Indian friend Ganesh explained that people were pointing and expressing their disgust at this girl and I for being in contact. How cruel to think there exists a world where a child cannot be held because of the caste she was born in to.

There's a shamanic principle that suggests one 'has acceptance for all'. A wonderful non-dualistic concept; learning to appreciate the darkness to appreciate the light. Or something like that. But stepping aside from this enlightened place of 'everything's meant to be' I still struggle to come to terms with some of the terrible things that are happening on this planet.

A decision I felt forced to make in 2011 was to get dark, deep and gritty with my stuff. To delve within. And after many a self-righteous rant about all this is wrong with the world; the environment, poverty, sexism, inequality and a whole plethora of issues that need to be addressed besides the fact that media is brainwashing us with fear and subscribing us to tow a line that may not be in service of good at all ie. war... After all this ranting, I very quickly realised that inside me also exists shadow dimensions of pain, anger, fear, sadness and turmoil. Some inherited genetics, most psychologically conditioned reactions and resistances from Earth school grit.

I hadn't previously realised how much the past was still replaying in my present. What emerged were psychological wounds and vulnerable feelings of a misunderstood and very sensitive child. I recall reading about a polar bear that died in the local zoo due to the heat wave and I just broke down in tears. I began psychologically studying myself, got angry a lot, I practiced mindfulness and therapeutic practices. In an act of self-care, I hired a hut in the Caribbean and spent most afternoons doing yoga and meditation on the beach. In my shack I worked on integrating, writing, photo editing, creating beautiful things out of the resources I had and I danced. It was transformational and it was painful and at times I felt very sorry for myself. I found the key to mindful awareness was to develop a secure frame that could contain any feeling; no matter how painful, to allow it to to be received with grace.

I share this because I want to get real here and I know what it is like to be going it alone and feeling vulnerable. Things happen in life, the ocean gets choppy, we swallow too much salt water and we may struggle to keep afloat. There are times when the life boat feels like it is sinking and safety feels a long way away. I learned that safety needed to be something I could create for myself amidst any kind of chaos and pain. An inner trust and sense of safety. With a tightly gripped hand we cannot hold water, it falls between our fingers. But with our hands we can cup it. When I came home to this place again, I realised it had never gone, I was always held by mother nature. But I'd got swept up in a big rip, held on too tightly and needed to improve my breaststroke and breathe a lot deeper. I needed to surrender and allow myself to be present with life no matter how painful. The chemical soap burn scene in Fight Club encapsulates that feeling; no power animal, no visualisation techniques, no mantras, just 100% there with the feeling.

The thing's that plague our society still make me dream it better and have had me in tears but I am grateful to feel. In the West we have built up a strange notion that feelings are a weakness not a strength. And there's a lot in this world that is heartbreakingly destructive or darn right insane. But thankfully there's also a lot on this planet that is so so stunningly beautiful, inspiring and kind. 

If we want to be shining beacons for peace, it starts - in my humble opinion - with being ok with oneself; to respond to one's authenticity with presence and acceptance (and compassion) even when the ocean's rough. And we need to have the courage to allow for change, as life inevitably is.

“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.” - Gandhi

Reference: The Role of Grief on the Spiritual Path (Huffington Post)

dancing in the rain

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."

I've been a bad blogger, sorry. I've been really busy. You know how in this crazy fast paced modern world we live in,  someone asks "Hey how you?" and the other responds quite frankly and sometimes proudly "Busy"? Well I hate to admit it, but that's been me. Busy doing what I love - mostly - but equally busy not doing enough of what I know is good for me.

I feel like I have stepped in to a chalet world vortex in a little bubble known as Reberty Village up at 2000m surrounded by white mountains. Having the responsibility of managing three very nice chalets and their staff has been a really interesting experience for me, mostly amazingly good and rewarding, although it's also asked me to really work on staying centred and apply everything I've learned the last few years and learn a whole load of new stuff. Like how to order in French.

One day, the sanitizer in one of the chalets flooded, the Jacuzzi exploded, one of my chefs was missing something from his order and I had a list of questions to answer for our very lovely guests. Amidst this I had a number of things on my mind to do, wine stock, ski lessons, table bookings and had the beautiful fresh powdered pistes winking at me, teasingly, knowing I was too busy to get out and play on them that day despite wishing to.

I walked in to the restaurant where I needed to make some bookings, propped myself on the side of the bar and before I had chance to do anything, I started to cry. If anyone had asked me what was wrong, I wouldn't have been able to answer it with one particular thing, but for a change rather than resisting the urge and holding back what I was feeling, I let the tears gently fall and took some breaths. "Will this matter a year from now?" I asked. One of those questions that quickly put things in to perspective. Obviously not.

But what I realised was - I was, like many others in the world we live in, stressed. Bad habits I thought I left behind in Adland had snuck back in to my life. I'd been waking up in the mornings and instead of saluting the sun with a few asanas or a meditation, I'd be checking my phone for emails and messages. I wasn't drinking enough water or herbal tea. I wasn't doing enough exercise and my eating habits told me I was seeking comfort.

So I did what most of us would do in this situation - I phoned my Mum. Bless Mum. My mum recently brought my Venezuelan abuela / grandmother back to Spain to live with her awhile as she's unwell. I listened to my Mum explain how hard it had been for her with abuella being very frail and the side affects of her diabetes and Alzheimer's had meant my Mum was doing an awful lot of care giving and struggling to balance that with managing her work. I took a moment to count my blessings while providing an ear for Mum who was clearly feeling the weight of it all and perhaps needing to chat it all out more than I did.

As someone who hopes to make the world a bit better and wants to create balance and harmony in life - I give myself one hell of a hard time when things get bumpy and the grit of Earth school grates. And I screw up as much as the next person. During my little anxious stumble - I got a grip and did what I could to make my life better. I made time to chat with people I care for, got my yoga mat out, made myself a salt scrub and found solace within while keeping perspective. That all forgiving and understanding perspective that mother looks at me with.

I love exploring the spiritual realm, realising universal truths and the interconnected web of existence, there's profundity and insight there. I get that. And then there's presence. Just being present to it all and breathing through the experiences (and emotions) of life. Sometimes they might squeeze and test... sometimes I may need to take a step back and sometimes I may seek comfort in food and a phone call to Mum. Because, despite being strong, I'm still infallibly human.

real is the new sexy

In Januray 2011 I spent a divine time fasting, meditating and doing some yogically inspired and shamanic shapes at The Sanctuary, Thailand.

There I crossed paths with some wonderful souls, one of which is the lovely Adam Taffler. Adam ran an incredibly invigorating and unforgettable laughing yoga workshop and its been such a pleasure to connect with him and learn of his latest shapes in London establishing Shhh Dating.

This new style of dating might leave one speechless and putting a link to Ronan Keating on ones blog. Oh yes, forgive me Adam, I went there...

I asked Adam some questions on Shhh Dating to understand a bit better what's made this movement so prolific in the London dating scene.

Firstly, what is 'Shhh Dating' about? 

Its about dropping the mask and giving people a chance to meet fully and honestly. We use games and structures to bring people into a comfortable state to be without words so they can find a meaningful connection with another.

What inspired you to start it?

All the work I do is around cultivating richer human contact. Over the past year I have been working with Dr Brown - a clown who won the biggest comedy awards in the world without talking. He really inspired me to see how open and pleasurable it can be to communicate and commune without speaking. Then last November I had a deep realisation that my most profound experiences of connection had been without words. I put 2 and 2 together with some friends and we decided to see if it would work in a dating context. It worked so well that on our first event every single person had at least one match. 

What have you learned about the dating scene in London?

There is a growing hunger that is not being fed by skin deep connections. Shhh Dating is appealing to people because they want to meet others who are switched on to possibility of deeper contact and the more subtle aspects of human interaction. People want partners who can meet them emotionally and spiritually too. It's a trend that I see growing in London and beyond. Another interesting aspect is the energy people bring with them to an event. The people who are more relaxed and come with a willingness to enjoy themselves always have more matches than those who come with the idea of meeting 'the one'. So it's something I mention at the beginning of each session, I tell them to drop all expectation and have a good time.

What is unique about silent dating?

At the end of one of our nights, even if you don't have a date, you will still hopefully be feeling warm and squishy. We cultivate an atmosphere where people can see one another and be seen for who they really are. That is unique in the dating world.

Why is real the new sexy?

People wear masks all the time. There is something powerful, enigmatic and beautiful about someone who is comfortable with theirs off. It can turn the dials up to maximum, blow away the padding and quickly take us to the heart of the matter. That's a lot sexier than a load of tepid dates!

Shhh Dating have a number of events lined up later this month in London, please check out their website for more details and tickets.

You can like their Facebook page here too.