give me truth.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. - Henry David Thoreau

I've been doing a lot of reflecting recently. An awful lot. And I've been going deep in to myself and finding the points in my being that still get affected by the behaviours of others. Given that I spent a good year or so in a wonderment of being in India and Nepal working on inner peace (these are great places for practice because anything can happen and one learns to patiently wait for the train to arrive at the station 5 hours after it was due in a state of surrender), I had hoped I'd be more masterful at it

What I recognised about relating to others, most importantly, is how much of a good relationship boils down to trust. Now granted, people change and things do happen in life so commitments might be made which can't be adhered to. But where my integrity (or 'my code') has been poked at over and over is when I've felt cheated of truth.

The first time this happened to me traveling was in India and I was so upset. "It's his karma" the man at the crystal store said to me after he revealed to me the fact that the stone around my neck I'd bought earlier that day was actually a fake. I was determined to march back up to the mountain where I bought it from and tell that boy what for! But crystal man told me to let it go and I eventually did.

As a traveler, I trust the world. I believe in humanity and human beings can be just absolutely awesome. The other day I was on a bus from Salzburg to the airport without a ticket. I was whacked after waking up in the small hours of darkness and didn't find the time nor energy to buy a ticket believing I could get one on the bus. Evidently not but I sat down nevertheless. When the ticket inspector came, I felt like an awkward foreigner with the bus carriage watching me wriggle out of the situation - honestly might I add - with my hands up in "I'm sorry, I didn't get one". Before I had chance to blush, I was totally bowled over by this kindly gentleman next to me who placed a bus ticket in my hand and proceeded to merely smile and shake his head when I handed him a 5 euro note.

Now recently, forgive my self-indulgence, but I've felt really let down by a couple of situations. Being a natural optimist and I absolutely look back and think "thank God for that" accepting that I attracted them in to my world to learn something "lesson or a blessing" as the yogis say. Nevertheless I've dug deep in to my psyche to work out what has been the pain point in this.

It boiled down to one thing: dishonesty. I feel fortunate that I am aware enough to feel when I am being manipulated or seduced and to also have a good degree of understanding and compassion. I'm sure, no doubt, that I am guilty of it too - getting too attached to an outcome and trying to make it happen rather than to allowing it to flow.

But disappointment is one hell of a teacher. And perhaps this is a root of not just my own disappointment but also that of many others living in this world. Unless you live in an ashram or a community - we are all part of this capitalist society whether we like it or not. And consciously or unconsciously - we get told things that aren't necessarily objective truth. I remember seeing a sign saying "Time is money" in New York last year and smelt that smell again.

I, being the meditator I am, try to practice creating space around these stalks to gently dig around them, like a gardener does a tree root in order to get it out. And this operation can hurt a lot because it requires me to sit with the feeling and try not direct negativity at the person who's brought it about (and I struggle with it because I'm the one I am really annoyed with so Jess gets a hard time). This sensation if it had a voice would say something like "how dare you!" in self-righteous indignation which only serves to create more separation between me and the button pusher. The same kind of separation that creates war between beliefs / religions :(

But this is what it comes down to. Trust. Whether you admire / believe in another person's integrity i.e. it aligns with your own, or whether you resonate with truth and thus have an innate ability to sniff out bull-shit like you've already stepped in it, this is what can powerfully unite us. Truth.

I wish I could say I've been perfect but I've made mistakes, been in denial, afraid to speak my truth (or been too truthful and created a wee bit of trouble), I've responded harshly and in the early years been foolishly misguided by others.

It's such a simple little word and yet so important; Truth. What I do know is that there is one person I can wholeheartedly trust and that is myself. In my experience, the most empowering lesson is to be true and working towards feeling absolutely comfortably with it.

With fearlessly speaking it, thinking it, walking it and living it.

And in the modern world we live in today - where we are often surrounded by hooks and fears - this can take some practice and humility to step out of.

But as a wise Baba I hung out with in India said to me: "Don't get stuck" and "Keep going" - head wiggle, head wiggle. There's something incredibly enlightening about that approach.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

going back in to the green womb

After bathing in the shimmering river that lead down to the turquoise waters of the Caribbean ocean, I started making the steep climb up to the small shack, a pentagon shaped hut with a thatch roof that promised to be my home for the next 24 hours. I was ready to delve in to a dimension never consciously voyaged before. This was where I was to join a local shaman with my friend a 66 year old gentleman, Norberto from Taganaga as we go to take what the people call here ‘la medicina’.

La medicina promised me a cleansing like no other and while I have heard and witnessed accounts of people’s experiences with this indigenous herbal concoction, words do very little justice to the experience I was to undergo as I delved in to the green womb of the Earth mother in what I can only describe as a journey through life and death.

Cleansing the medicine on the fire

Juan the shaman started the ceremony with a presence ritual while cleansing the medicine on the fire. He chanted an indigenous mantra while shaking a brush made of leaves and rattles in worship of the mother in prayer.

Juan, the Shaman, blessing the space

The mother, I thought, the mother that will undergo a pain unbeknown in order to create life. A suffering and pain that perhaps, I realised, I had not considered before and this ritual triggered an insight and appreciation for all the women on this planet who give so much of themselves for their children.

The medicine spread through my veins,  as I stretched and started to feel my insides grumble as the potent liquid hit my stomach. I realised that perhaps it was time I lay horizontal as the sun slowly said its farewell to daytime in Colombia.

In that dark meditative moment, as I lay in nothingness I began watching the most incredible five dimensional colourful pattern form through the back of my eyelids. An evolving beauty so colourful and vibrant. A mesmerising inspiration flooded my consciousness in disbelief. I need to see nature. Nature. She called me and I followed her as I opened my eyes and walked gently like a toddler finding her feet walking in to a spot of grass nearby. I sat there, eyes wide and finally saw her. She moved, grew and formed beautiful shapes that were swaying and talking to me. I touched her and gave her love as the colorful patterns of life continued to form in the shadows. Creating a sacred space, I formed a protective dome around my being with an intention that what joined me was only for my highest good. I saw darker formations appear beyond the protective force field around my being like trapped spirits of the underworld looking for their home. I told them; forgive, surrender, let go like a voice inside my head telling myself the very same thing.

And then the bowels finally spoke up. They told me to find a hole in nature to which I had to do my own letting go. Most inconveniently. Nevertheless I stumbled through the shadows, nature guiding me, swaying in the direction I needed to go while pointing out brambles as I balanced barefooted along the pathway. In the darkness a fear cast over me, I breathed deeply as I hastily located the hole in the ground. I was stumbling back somewhat exhausted from my ‘release’, when a sudden wave of energy struck me and before I knew it, a sickness from the depths of my stomach seized me like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed suddenly as whatever weight within wanted to escape from a depths I hadn’t been to before. It purged out of me in a moment that gave me no time to think or breathe.

I crawled back to my spot of nature and lay in awe once more, more intensely, as the sickness and darkness were forgotten amidst a present moment that welcomed a new light. Tears fell as I saw symbols upon symbols floating in colourful lights in trans-dimensional beauty. ‘Be gentle’ said nature. ‘Be gentle’ she held me. And from that moment I was in love absolutely truly in love like a child seeing the wonder of the world through eyes that not only saw but felt it throughout her being.

Juan the shaman visited me from time to time to check I was ok and we shared musical notes, deep ommmmmms and spontaneious outbreaks of laughter as I rotated between lying in awe staring up at the cosmos, with sitting up in admiration at the beauty that surrounded me as nature continued to converse and play with me.

Enough came up for me. So much came up for me, so many epiphanies, releases, acceptances and realisations. I found answers to some of the big questions that had hung heavily around my heart for too long and I met a child within to whom I fell totally in love with. She giggled spontaneously and had no fear. Sometimes she was intense in her joy but I loved finding her in my heart and loved her in a way that I suppose now I see, a mother might love a child. 

Norberto in surrender after the cleanse

I practice yoga regularly and have had many of my internal ‘samskaras’ (sufferings) relieved through various therapies and retreats. While Ayahuasca came to my attention and curiosity over 3 years ago, I am glad that I allowed this time to pass before entering the green womb. The journey between then and now has been more enlightening than I could’ve imagined and I don’t know if I could’ve handled it all at once. I recommend one to take care and be true with oneself should the green womb call and not to rush that journey. It crossed my path when I was ready, in mind, body and soul.

I don’t wish to create expectations in the minds of others reading this as there is so much more than words can even begin to explain and each experience is unique to each individual. Nevertheless, if there was one message that Nature would wish me to share with anyone reading this, it would be this; love mother nature and stop fighting with life.

To that my inner yogini can finally say; I surrender Mother. You don't always make sense, but you are awesome and I can say I live without regrets.

Here is an old post on my first shamanic write up and I want to send thanks and appreciation to Rak Razam who I met in New York and who guided me back to the green womb of "awe".

Below is an extract from philosopher and researcher Terence McKenna (Food of the Gods: The Search for the Original Tree of Knowledge A Radical History of Plants, Drugs, and Human Evolution) 

The experience induced by ayahuasca includes extremely rich tapestries of visual hallucination that are particularly susceptible to being "driven" and directed by sound, especially vocally produced sound. Consequently, one of the legacies of the ayahuasca-using cultures is a large repository of icaros, or magical songs. The effectiveness, sophistication, and dedication of an ayahuasquero is predicated upon how many magical songs he or she has effectively memorized. In the actual curing sessions, both patient and healer ingest ayahuasca and the singing of the magical songs is a shared experience that is largely visual. 

The impact of long-term use of hallucinogenic indoles on mental and physical health is not yet well understood. My own experiences among the mestizo populations of Amazonas convince me that the long-term effect of ayahuasca use is an extraordinary state of health and integration. Ayahuasqueros use sound and suggestion to direct healing energy into parts of the body and unexamined aspects of an individual's personal history where psychic tension has come to rest. Often these methods exhibit startling parallels to the techniques of modem psychotherapy; at other times they seem to represent an understanding of possibilities and energies still unrecognized by Western theories of healing. Most interesting from the point of view of the arguments made in this book are the persistent rumors of states of group-mind or telepathy that occur among the less acculturated tribal peoples. 

Our history of skepticism and empiricism would have us dismiss such claims as impossible, but we should think twice before doing so. The chief lesson to be learned from the psychedelic experience is the degree to which unexamined cultural values and limitations of language have made us the unwitting prisoners of our own assumptions. For it cannot be without reason that wherever in the world hallucinogenic indoles have been utilized, their use has been equated with magical self-healing and regeneration. The low incidence of serious mental illness among such populations is well documented.

on being a citizen not a consumer

"What was said to the rose that made it open was said to me here in my chest." - Rumi

A powerful documentary by an award winning Hollywood director who explores the relationship we have to stuff and what makes us happy. The community and connection between us all. 

believe in miracles

I recently decided to study "A Course in Miracles" (pdf) and its a beautifully empowering course that in essence is founded upon forgiveness and the grace of prayer and meditation.

Given it is the time of year 'for giving', I thought I'd share this wonderfully inspiring TED talk from Gabrielle Bernstein that my old colleague and friend Farrel Brest sent me.

I have found one of the biggest cathartic miracles in life has been to forgive myself for... well... urm... everything... including things that probably weren't my doing but I felt responsible for them nevertheless. Before traveling at times I slipped in to self-doubt whether it be in my career, in association with my body, my mind and my ability to live my truth and pursue my dreams... as ridiculously unattainable as I thought them to be.

There have been many moments on the road where I wondered "what is this for?" and "where am I going?" while also sensing a world that doesn't always reflect what I'd like to see; witnessing needless unkindness between people, towards nature, towards children and the conditioned systems in place that seem to bind more than liberate the human spirit. Dealing with shame has been a powerful lesson.

My work now is more focused on being a conscious miracle worker, as yours can be too. Waking up and being grateful for life, for friends, for family, for the lessons one must learn is important; as I have found letting go of what doesn't serve the highest good be it an emotion, person, place or material item - as much as a very human part of me might want to cling on to it.

It becomes a living practice to consciously “empty your cup,” again and again and again. The cup fills up easily, especially on the road; we want to fill it with the tea we “like” and it takes fierce courage to choose love over being right or comfortable. It takes a commitment and courage to be empty, open, and receptive. It takes courage to hold out your empty cup to receive something new and unexpected, including what seems to us the dark, not-so-sweet side of the 'Mystery of Life'.

For me it whittles down to being kind while learning to tread lightly on the hearts of others and the land we rely on to survive.

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. 

~ Dalai Lama

real is the new sexy

In Januray 2011 I spent a divine time fasting, meditating and doing some yogically inspired and shamanic shapes at The Sanctuary, Thailand.

There I crossed paths with some wonderful souls, one of which is the lovely Adam Taffler. Adam ran an incredibly invigorating and unforgettable laughing yoga workshop and its been such a pleasure to connect with him and learn of his latest shapes in London establishing Shhh Dating.

This new style of dating might leave one speechless and putting a link to Ronan Keating on ones blog. Oh yes, forgive me Adam, I went there...

I asked Adam some questions on Shhh Dating to understand a bit better what's made this movement so prolific in the London dating scene.

Firstly, what is 'Shhh Dating' about? 

Its about dropping the mask and giving people a chance to meet fully and honestly. We use games and structures to bring people into a comfortable state to be without words so they can find a meaningful connection with another.

What inspired you to start it?

All the work I do is around cultivating richer human contact. Over the past year I have been working with Dr Brown - a clown who won the biggest comedy awards in the world without talking. He really inspired me to see how open and pleasurable it can be to communicate and commune without speaking. Then last November I had a deep realisation that my most profound experiences of connection had been without words. I put 2 and 2 together with some friends and we decided to see if it would work in a dating context. It worked so well that on our first event every single person had at least one match. 

What have you learned about the dating scene in London?

There is a growing hunger that is not being fed by skin deep connections. Shhh Dating is appealing to people because they want to meet others who are switched on to possibility of deeper contact and the more subtle aspects of human interaction. People want partners who can meet them emotionally and spiritually too. It's a trend that I see growing in London and beyond. Another interesting aspect is the energy people bring with them to an event. The people who are more relaxed and come with a willingness to enjoy themselves always have more matches than those who come with the idea of meeting 'the one'. So it's something I mention at the beginning of each session, I tell them to drop all expectation and have a good time.

What is unique about silent dating?

At the end of one of our nights, even if you don't have a date, you will still hopefully be feeling warm and squishy. We cultivate an atmosphere where people can see one another and be seen for who they really are. That is unique in the dating world.

Why is real the new sexy?

People wear masks all the time. There is something powerful, enigmatic and beautiful about someone who is comfortable with theirs off. It can turn the dials up to maximum, blow away the padding and quickly take us to the heart of the matter. That's a lot sexier than a load of tepid dates!

Shhh Dating have a number of events lined up later this month in London, please check out their website for more details and tickets.

You can like their Facebook page here too.