going back in to the green womb

After bathing in the shimmering river that lead down to the turquoise waters of the Caribbean ocean, I started making the steep climb up to the small shack, a pentagon shaped hut with a thatch roof that promised to be my home for the next 24 hours. I was ready to delve in to a dimension never consciously voyaged before. This was where I was to join a local shaman with my friend a 66 year old gentleman, Norberto from Taganaga as we go to take what the people call here ‘la medicina’.

La medicina promised me a cleansing like no other and while I have heard and witnessed accounts of people’s experiences with this indigenous herbal concoction, words do very little justice to the experience I was to undergo as I delved in to the green womb of the Earth mother in what I can only describe as a journey through life and death.

Cleansing the medicine on the fire

Juan the shaman started the ceremony with a presence ritual while cleansing the medicine on the fire. He chanted an indigenous mantra while shaking a brush made of leaves and rattles in worship of the mother in prayer.

Juan, the Shaman, blessing the space

The mother, I thought, the mother that will undergo a pain unbeknown in order to create life. A suffering and pain that perhaps, I realised, I had not considered before and this ritual triggered an insight and appreciation for all the women on this planet who give so much of themselves for their children.

The medicine spread through my veins,  as I stretched and started to feel my insides grumble as the potent liquid hit my stomach. I realised that perhaps it was time I lay horizontal as the sun slowly said its farewell to daytime in Colombia.

In that dark meditative moment, as I lay in nothingness I began watching the most incredible five dimensional colourful pattern form through the back of my eyelids. An evolving beauty so colourful and vibrant. A mesmerising inspiration flooded my consciousness in disbelief. I need to see nature. Nature. She called me and I followed her as I opened my eyes and walked gently like a toddler finding her feet walking in to a spot of grass nearby. I sat there, eyes wide and finally saw her. She moved, grew and formed beautiful shapes that were swaying and talking to me. I touched her and gave her love as the colorful patterns of life continued to form in the shadows. Creating a sacred space, I formed a protective dome around my being with an intention that what joined me was only for my highest good. I saw darker formations appear beyond the protective force field around my being like trapped spirits of the underworld looking for their home. I told them; forgive, surrender, let go like a voice inside my head telling myself the very same thing.

And then the bowels finally spoke up. They told me to find a hole in nature to which I had to do my own letting go. Most inconveniently. Nevertheless I stumbled through the shadows, nature guiding me, swaying in the direction I needed to go while pointing out brambles as I balanced barefooted along the pathway. In the darkness a fear cast over me, I breathed deeply as I hastily located the hole in the ground. I was stumbling back somewhat exhausted from my ‘release’, when a sudden wave of energy struck me and before I knew it, a sickness from the depths of my stomach seized me like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed suddenly as whatever weight within wanted to escape from a depths I hadn’t been to before. It purged out of me in a moment that gave me no time to think or breathe.

I crawled back to my spot of nature and lay in awe once more, more intensely, as the sickness and darkness were forgotten amidst a present moment that welcomed a new light. Tears fell as I saw symbols upon symbols floating in colourful lights in trans-dimensional beauty. ‘Be gentle’ said nature. ‘Be gentle’ she held me. And from that moment I was in love absolutely truly in love like a child seeing the wonder of the world through eyes that not only saw but felt it throughout her being.

Juan the shaman visited me from time to time to check I was ok and we shared musical notes, deep ommmmmms and spontaneious outbreaks of laughter as I rotated between lying in awe staring up at the cosmos, with sitting up in admiration at the beauty that surrounded me as nature continued to converse and play with me.

Enough came up for me. So much came up for me, so many epiphanies, releases, acceptances and realisations. I found answers to some of the big questions that had hung heavily around my heart for too long and I met a child within to whom I fell totally in love with. She giggled spontaneously and had no fear. Sometimes she was intense in her joy but I loved finding her in my heart and loved her in a way that I suppose now I see, a mother might love a child. 

Norberto in surrender after the cleanse

I practice yoga regularly and have had many of my internal ‘samskaras’ (sufferings) relieved through various therapies and retreats. While Ayahuasca came to my attention and curiosity over 3 years ago, I am glad that I allowed this time to pass before entering the green womb. The journey between then and now has been more enlightening than I could’ve imagined and I don’t know if I could’ve handled it all at once. I recommend one to take care and be true with oneself should the green womb call and not to rush that journey. It crossed my path when I was ready, in mind, body and soul.

I don’t wish to create expectations in the minds of others reading this as there is so much more than words can even begin to explain and each experience is unique to each individual. Nevertheless, if there was one message that Nature would wish me to share with anyone reading this, it would be this; love mother nature and stop fighting with life.

To that my inner yogini can finally say; I surrender Mother. You don't always make sense, but you are awesome and I can say I live without regrets.

Here is an old post on my first shamanic write up and I want to send thanks and appreciation to Rak Razam who I met in New York and who guided me back to the green womb of "awe".

Below is an extract from philosopher and researcher Terence McKenna (Food of the Gods: The Search for the Original Tree of Knowledge A Radical History of Plants, Drugs, and Human Evolution) 

The experience induced by ayahuasca includes extremely rich tapestries of visual hallucination that are particularly susceptible to being "driven" and directed by sound, especially vocally produced sound. Consequently, one of the legacies of the ayahuasca-using cultures is a large repository of icaros, or magical songs. The effectiveness, sophistication, and dedication of an ayahuasquero is predicated upon how many magical songs he or she has effectively memorized. In the actual curing sessions, both patient and healer ingest ayahuasca and the singing of the magical songs is a shared experience that is largely visual. 

The impact of long-term use of hallucinogenic indoles on mental and physical health is not yet well understood. My own experiences among the mestizo populations of Amazonas convince me that the long-term effect of ayahuasca use is an extraordinary state of health and integration. Ayahuasqueros use sound and suggestion to direct healing energy into parts of the body and unexamined aspects of an individual's personal history where psychic tension has come to rest. Often these methods exhibit startling parallels to the techniques of modem psychotherapy; at other times they seem to represent an understanding of possibilities and energies still unrecognized by Western theories of healing. Most interesting from the point of view of the arguments made in this book are the persistent rumors of states of group-mind or telepathy that occur among the less acculturated tribal peoples. 

Our history of skepticism and empiricism would have us dismiss such claims as impossible, but we should think twice before doing so. The chief lesson to be learned from the psychedelic experience is the degree to which unexamined cultural values and limitations of language have made us the unwitting prisoners of our own assumptions. For it cannot be without reason that wherever in the world hallucinogenic indoles have been utilized, their use has been equated with magical self-healing and regeneration. The low incidence of serious mental illness among such populations is well documented.

lost & tripping with shamans in NYC

Aya: Awakenings - Trailer from Rak Razam on Vimeo.

For all those seeds the vine has touched, and for those yet to sprout....   

Rushing through the cold streets of drizzly New York City after a couple of mis-directions on the subway, I finally arrived at the cinema. I looked around “is this the right place” I asked myself as I mopped my sweaty brow and took in a deep centering breath. While according to my friend Kyle, getting lost may arguably be my forte, being late is something I constantly work with in the land of time especially since my watch strap decided to snap (and not having a phone etc.) 

The scent of sage filled my nostrils and soothed my nerves while affirming that despite being a little late for the showing; I had arrived at the right place. This was the evening I was going on a trip to the Amazon and thanks to my tardiness, my friend and I (sorry Pablo!) were forcibly sat on the front row for some airborne journeys of Pacha Mamma spirit through shamanic medicines in Rak Razam’s latest documentary; AYA Awakenings.

While personally, I advocate meditation; it did become very clear to me that there are medicines out there for those searching for that heart opening experience of oneness. I asked Rak some questions after what was a wonderfully insightful experience. 

1. For those who do not know about Ayahuasca can you describe its qualities?

Ayahuasca is an indigenous plant medicine from the Amazon that combines MAO-inhibiting vine with DMT-containing plants for a hallucinogenic (visionary healing modality. You can feel the vine seeping through your blood and body as it locks onto your vibrational frequency and starts clearing and healing blockages and supressions, ills and hurts. It can be a bitter earthy medicine, or sometimes neutral, thick or syrupy, and like most medicines it usually tastes awful. But it is the most powerful tool in the Amazonian shaman's medicine cabinet. It's been proven to scientifically relink up the synapses of the brain flushing it clean, and you purge and vomit up any sicknesses within you, whilst simultaneously being thrust into a world of geometric visions, sometimes spirits, entities, and multi-dimensional reality!

2. In the documentary, one of the most powerful shots was sharing your experience during the Ayahuasca ritual. In as far as words can describe, what was that like?

I liken it to a connection to the web of life, but a visceral, real, immediate and emotional connection. Ayahuasca opened up my heart chakra, my ability to feel, my intellectual-empathic pathways to feel the fact that there are no negative spaces separating us from everything... we are all connected in the Great Green Womb where we are all one, the atomic sea of vibrational consciousness itself. To feel the wind and the breath of mother nature, to hear the frogs and insects and know with a certainty they are talking with one another and pouring through spirit in the sounds, connecting and cascading the other species in the web, to feel that connection and the intimacy of life itself is transforming.

3. Has that changed the way you perceive and interact with the world?

I think so. I'm in the baseline world most of the time, but with an overlay memory of that interconnection and awareness of the larger matrix of nature and us as one species strand in the collective, interdependent whole. Every thought, word, action and deed ripples through the web of becoming and that remembrance reminds me to be as present, loving and understanding as I can in each moment. Sometimes that 'holographic awareness' can see the causal domino effect as certain events and things interact and connect to the larger whole, and sometimes I can see those strands and how they connect with an empathic knowing. The world is alive and aware and we are but one layer of Gaia's never endings in matter...!

4. One of your panelists mentioned the power of one's imagination. What are your thoughts on the mainstream media's impact on this in our present world?

The imagination has become ensconced in the mind forg'd manacles Blake wrote about in our modern age. Imagination has at once been commodified down to a narrow bandwidth of possibility, and the cultural dreamings we once had in our tribal mythologies are erased, or worst, co-opted and turned into saccharine Hollywood films. The heroic archetype has similarly been commodified by Hollywood like a virus that has taken control of the host body and is used to tap into this deep longing the human race has to express its imagination, which for me is linked to intuition and can be used as a valuable psychic tool to carve out the imaginal realm, to make manifest what we dream amongst an infinite sea of morphing probability. Imagination can be our GPS to survive, to dream in a better world, to improve the human condition, to think outside the box and to magically make real probability streams to anchor the thing we dream. Imagination is our anchor to the infinite, more than its come to mean in the denuded western entertainment complex: I-mage-i-nation is a holy, spiritual act where we overlap with Great Spirit and know and become.

5. What is your vision for the future of mankind and our planet?

Well let's talk sustainability - what does that mean? Ditching hierarchies, power (or revealing power has always been about the collective, the tribe, the majority) and collecting and connecting in networks, tribes, extended family structures that understand needs and wants, taking only what they need, and feeding the web of life around in all directions. Letting go of the old world of division, loving and caring for all our fellow being and species as interdependent units in a greater whole, working together for maximum connection and meaning.

Plant entheogens can reveal our own divinity, our soul, and at the same time reveal the frequency of soul we are embedded in, the existence of an ecology of souls and sentience that extends far beyond the physical. I feel the plants are tuning us back into these potentials as training wheels, and the medicine helps us remember our full beings as galactic citizens, and sometime soon we won't need the medicines, but will step forth with the ability to engage with the greater whole. 

More info on AYA Ayahuasca USA Tour 

God, the ultimate commodity

Money is a huge story in the USA at the moment (and obviously for a vast amount of the world) and while I feel we all must search within for the cause of this global drama we are playing our roles in, overlooking the money story would be naïve of me, because it evidently pulls a lot of strings and pushes a lot of buttons. It also has powerful society figureheads printed upon it.

There seems to be a mentality along the lines of “lets keep destroying the world and hope someone else will take care of it after I die” mentality aided by a powerful country’s ability to price up food, have a massive FMCG market and rejoice in the superficial while 1 in 6 people are going hungry. I sincerely hope people wake up and step out of their drama and see this political misuse of power.  Even small steps like eating healthily, recycling and volunteering would be something or even becoming a conscientious objector...

The American Dream is like an oversized melting sundae, the cherry’s already slid on to the floor, the straws blocked up with a chocolate chip and the ‘have a nice day’ that the gentleman at the counter said with a smile is ringing in the ears but lacking in authenticity and heart.

While love, devotion, inclusiveness and faith are beautiful facets encouraged by religion, there are some dramatically interesting ways in which God and commercialism have joined forces in the United States - from car parking billboards (above) to words inscribed on a powerful currency that also cites “In God We Trust”.  But perhaps, dare I suggest, this "God" may actually be a false God in light of the fact that 'money' itself is being callously printed without the gold in the banks to support it as we live in a world that trades the debts of its citizens?

I’m certainly not positioning myself to debate on religious ideals nor economics (eek), however a tight association with mass consumption in a country where the biggest epidemic is obesity while it also manages a ridiculous amass of debt, tells me that perhaps it’s worth checking who or what one places their heartfelt trust in. Transforming fear in to faith is powerful, as is evidently manipulating people in to having faith in something that may not truly have the welfare of its people at heart in a time of unprecedented economic inequality.

isn't racism amazing?

The divide between skin colour is one of the most challenging conditionings of humankind. A fear of the unknown. An alien tribe or community. Someone who is new, who is different, who's culture has rewarded different behaviours might feel challenged or uncomfortable when stepping in to another world or differing paradigms. And sometimes those stereotypes get reaffirmed by mass media to reinforce an idea and a projection of fear.

Richard Cohen is now famous for reporting in his Washington Post editorial that, “in New York City, blacks make up a quarter of the population, yet they represent 78 percent of all shooting suspects – almost all of them young men.” A couple weeks previous, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s office released a set of statistics to corroborate his claim that the NYPD should stop-and-frisk fewer white people and more black people. They reported that 90% of those identified as murder suspects were blacks or Latino, and only 7% were white.

But here’s the even more important finding. In both of those studies, whites who were pulled over and searched were actually more likely to have illegal drugs or contraband in their vehicles. In New Jersey, whites were twice as likely to be found with illegal drugs or contraband than blacks and five times more likely than Latinos. The same thing held true in Maryland. (via Big Think: Racism, Damn Racism, and Statistics: Using a Truth to Tell a Lie).

I recently learned, from a family who chose to adopt in America, that it was significantly cheaper to adopt a child of 'ethnic minority' than a 'white' child.

Nothing amazing about that besides it being a remarkable fact.

But what is truly amazing. What is something magical and equally cheesey, so cheesey, is this kid who got up on stage and did some mind-blowingly against the grain stuff. Despite it being shown on TV and doing that overly exaggerative US thing of making a sing and dance out of the fierce vulnerability this kid demonstrated, it also is AMAAAAZING. Forgive the stereotype.

Imagine if we lived in a world where all we saw was to the key of awe rather than to the key of fear of something different, of something unknowable or against the status quo? What a beautifully inspiring world we would live in.

I wonder what if our projections, beliefs and ideas could create reality? If we could choose. Why not believe in togetherness? Why not have faith in humanity? Why not challenge what the media may want us to believe?

I have the virtue of traveling to different worlds to remind me to go 'oh wow'. The precious moments though, especially those when I feel well and truly out of my comfort zone, are absolutely amazing as are those different rituals, cultures, ideas, skin tones, dance moves and different children too often misunderstood.

My friend Kyle recently described my speciality as 'getting lost' much to my amusement and I suppose I enjoy the challenge of being in the vortex of endless possibilities and often taking the scenic route back home.  And I guess also, we all can relate to that feeling one might experience as a child, when one loses their way in wonder and finds their parents have gone.  It might instil a sense of fear, abandonment, worry but it needn't have to. My favourite time getting lost for me as a child was when I lost my Pops and second Mum on the Eiffel Tower on a holiday in Paris with my little brother.  But perhaps that's what made it so special, because despite being lost, I still had a brother (and we secretly enjoyed it). Love to the family.

I say we embrace the unknown. 

Literally. 

Like go hug a stranger... I did it the other day and it felt so amazing.

is the world your brethren?

my blood brother

Its amazing this lovely trip I have been on. I have had my eyes pulled wide to some harsh realities in life. Out of my comfort zone and in to abstract lands of destruction, famine, nature, scarcity, mysticism. It is always a ride and I have learned to really harness my faith in 'all meant to be', when I am witness to some of the insanity in this world.

One message that has really hit home with me, that I didn't appreciate when I left London to move to Sydney many years ago is the incredible value of family. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was on Skype regularly connecting with my folks at opposite ends of the day, but one person was very much missing; my brother.

Apparently its innate for there to be a strained relationship between siblings.  Being academic growing up and the 'always good' one in the eyes of my folks (actually I'd say more like 'always good at getting away with it') and my younger brother who struggled from birth starting with two broken collarbones and major heart surgery - saved by a hole in it ironically - and then being more of a musician than a nerd like me at school created a rather interesting relationship between us. I'm sure most siblings have had it. I remember one girl at my school having her grades stuck on the fridge next to her twin sisters. She struggled with her weight and didn't get straight A's unlike her skinny twin. Can you imagine what an impact that must have on a person? Blimey. Complexities galore. So my little bro developed a rather cool rebellious streak that manifested in to being a really awesome hyperactive and entertaining musician who liked to joy-ride my car, while I was smug little 'I don't need anyone to discipline me' because I just naturally aced things. As my Dad would remind me at this point "no one likes a smart ass".


Nevertheless, that missing relationship in my adult life came to haunt me when I decided to travel. Things were strained between James and I. We really didn't gel. His temper and my smart-ass didn't make friends and as I set out on tour I met many who I would call my 'soul family' - beautiful friends that were like brothers and sisters to me which highlighted that void in my life more and more. I suppose if you want to see the world as "ONE" then knowing what it is to love is pretty important. Thankfully my brother and I had a really cool reunion in the UK last year and again in Antigua. We hung out. We made friends. We respected one another and we had a very cool conversation about aspects of ourselves that were really inherited and didn't do us any favours. He's awesome. I love him. Always have, always will, however now we can actually be mates. That's cool.

Now the wonderful appreciation for 'everyone's my brethren' and I want them to be happy is all good and well HOWEVER, in the West especially we live in a time where competition between us drives a collective mentality. It drives our consumptive culture and if it were not for 'a sense of comparison' perhaps we would not be so driven to buy things we don't truly need and give a damn what others think of us. Not an easy one to transcend I guess. This also creates a separation between people. Which can sadly grow in to wars and bloodshed.

In India when I stayed with who I call 'my surrogate family'. Man, I love them. The parents Melchandar and Didi (same age as I am) slept in one room with their five children. Their life is not comfortable but like we all do, they've adapted in order to survive the reality of intense snowfall, low caste status, lack of running water and employment. They amazingly do survive with an incredible faith in Shiva (God of the Universe). But one thing I really felt they had so powerfully that I feel we have really lost in the West is a true sense of community and family; they share their karma's and dramas. If one member of the family suffers; the whole family suffers with them. I mean what could be more manifest than blood? In the West we have an idea that to need support is weakness. You don't see updates of people saying; "Guys, going through a major break up, feel bloody miserable, could do with a hug" on Facebook do you? And yet we all suffer. We all feel emotions and its hard because we rightly know the value of optimism and don't like to bring another down. This 'one man for himself' and 'dog eat dog' can be a ruthless field of play.

This big wall around our hearts has done an amazing job at blocking out true feelings, true empathy and open heartedness with another. Understandably really because life can be hard, people can be shit and we all by nature, strive to survive. Its sad that we even have to ask for help when really, deep down, there is a sense of knowing when something's up with someone;"R U OK?" is worthy of a plug here.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for when being from a 'developed' nation, I feel super grateful for the freedom and comfort that affords me yet personally, its wonderful to come back to thanks for my family despite them being sprinkled about the globe and my galavants. They are not perfect. We've had a 'story' but thankfully we've taken the lessons and moved on.

The biggest insight I have had recently in terms of relating to people is to 'live and let live', something I am sure is very hard for parents to accept when their little'ns become big'ns or you see people you love missing the obvious...  and in an interestingly cool way this idea could lead to anarchism:

The world is so imbalanced this day today with so much separation because people both in personal relationships and worldwide try to fix other people in the outer sense to get some kind of inner peace and balance. This will never work out, we need to hold ourselves responsible for our own inner selves and lives.

My gorgeous 3 year old nephew who I met for the first time this week just said aloud "Hakuna Matata."

Amen to that little 3 year old man. Such a gift.