give me truth.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. - Henry David Thoreau

I've been doing a lot of reflecting recently. An awful lot. And I've been going deep in to myself and finding the points in my being that still get affected by the behaviours of others. Given that I spent a good year or so in a wonderment of being in India and Nepal working on inner peace (these are great places for practice because anything can happen and one learns to patiently wait for the train to arrive at the station 5 hours after it was due in a state of surrender), I had hoped I'd be more masterful at it

What I recognised about relating to others, most importantly, is how much of a good relationship boils down to trust. Now granted, people change and things do happen in life so commitments might be made which can't be adhered to. But where my integrity (or 'my code') has been poked at over and over is when I've felt cheated of truth.

The first time this happened to me traveling was in India and I was so upset. "It's his karma" the man at the crystal store said to me after he revealed to me the fact that the stone around my neck I'd bought earlier that day was actually a fake. I was determined to march back up to the mountain where I bought it from and tell that boy what for! But crystal man told me to let it go and I eventually did.

As a traveler, I trust the world. I believe in humanity and human beings can be just absolutely awesome. The other day I was on a bus from Salzburg to the airport without a ticket. I was whacked after waking up in the small hours of darkness and didn't find the time nor energy to buy a ticket believing I could get one on the bus. Evidently not but I sat down nevertheless. When the ticket inspector came, I felt like an awkward foreigner with the bus carriage watching me wriggle out of the situation - honestly might I add - with my hands up in "I'm sorry, I didn't get one". Before I had chance to blush, I was totally bowled over by this kindly gentleman next to me who placed a bus ticket in my hand and proceeded to merely smile and shake his head when I handed him a 5 euro note.

Now recently, forgive my self-indulgence, but I've felt really let down by a couple of situations. Being a natural optimist and I absolutely look back and think "thank God for that" accepting that I attracted them in to my world to learn something "lesson or a blessing" as the yogis say. Nevertheless I've dug deep in to my psyche to work out what has been the pain point in this.

It boiled down to one thing: dishonesty. I feel fortunate that I am aware enough to feel when I am being manipulated or seduced and to also have a good degree of understanding and compassion. I'm sure, no doubt, that I am guilty of it too - getting too attached to an outcome and trying to make it happen rather than to allowing it to flow.

But disappointment is one hell of a teacher. And perhaps this is a root of not just my own disappointment but also that of many others living in this world. Unless you live in an ashram or a community - we are all part of this capitalist society whether we like it or not. And consciously or unconsciously - we get told things that aren't necessarily objective truth. I remember seeing a sign saying "Time is money" in New York last year and smelt that smell again.

I, being the meditator I am, try to practice creating space around these stalks to gently dig around them, like a gardener does a tree root in order to get it out. And this operation can hurt a lot because it requires me to sit with the feeling and try not direct negativity at the person who's brought it about (and I struggle with it because I'm the one I am really annoyed with so Jess gets a hard time). This sensation if it had a voice would say something like "how dare you!" in self-righteous indignation which only serves to create more separation between me and the button pusher. The same kind of separation that creates war between beliefs / religions :(

But this is what it comes down to. Trust. Whether you admire / believe in another person's integrity i.e. it aligns with your own, or whether you resonate with truth and thus have an innate ability to sniff out bull-shit like you've already stepped in it, this is what can powerfully unite us. Truth.

I wish I could say I've been perfect but I've made mistakes, been in denial, afraid to speak my truth (or been too truthful and created a wee bit of trouble), I've responded harshly and in the early years been foolishly misguided by others.

It's such a simple little word and yet so important; Truth. What I do know is that there is one person I can wholeheartedly trust and that is myself. In my experience, the most empowering lesson is to be true and working towards feeling absolutely comfortably with it.

With fearlessly speaking it, thinking it, walking it and living it.

And in the modern world we live in today - where we are often surrounded by hooks and fears - this can take some practice and humility to step out of.

But as a wise Baba I hung out with in India said to me: "Don't get stuck" and "Keep going" - head wiggle, head wiggle. There's something incredibly enlightening about that approach.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me, thank you.

'Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.' - Martin Luther King Jr.

Katey Brooks - B****, Don't Kill My Vibe - Acoustic Remake 

"Ho'oponopono" is a beautiful Hawaiian ritual whereby one makes an affirmation "I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me, thank you" to all the relationships from ones life that need atonement. I know while my adventures in the outside world are probably more interesting, I really want to illuminate how cathartic and beautiful this little ritual is.

To make mistakes is to be human and sometimes the people who hurt us the most are those who know us the most intimately. I wish I could say I am the perfect human being that does no harm, but I've screwed up, said the wrong thing or pressed someone's buttons enough times.

I sat my third Vipassana the other day in Bogota, Colombia. The first time about 5 years ago was incredibly painful, I sat with multiple cushions supporting my twice fractured coccyx, a wooden floor-stool to support my curved spine while I struggled through my mind's OCD behaviours around herbal tea and light switches, as I committed to 10 days of daily 11 hours sits of mediation and went on the proverbial cosmic journey. That time I came out and stopped eating meat without a rationale besides "I didn't feel like eating it anymore" and I recall visiting a shop with my boyfriend trying to find a shampoo and having no idea how to choose. I became that equanimous! The second Vipassana I sat was 18 months ago. Shortly afterwards my father called Interpol...another story...

from Burning Man via The Atlantic

Now this last silent 10 day sit was different. For one thing I only had one cushion to support my body and my mind was incredibly well-behaved and present. A fire burned through my spine however in the agony of sitting in stillness for 11 hours a day and to be witness to it without judgement, nurturing the act of equanimity, was incredibly challenging for me. Nevertheless I had epiphanies, time travelling realisations and outbreaks of spontaneous emotions while every now and then transcended the pain that felt like a knife had been lodged in my back.

It's taken the last couple of weeks to integrate the experience spending time as a recluse out of the travel community while hanging out with a friend on the outskirts of Bogota. During the full moon my friend and I both set our intentions and did a little fun Ho'oponopono ceremony together which involved cheerful smiles and cheesey music. The results for us both afterwards were incredible though, so much so, that I felt compelled to share.

I find people come in to our world to be vehicles for something deeper within us, whether they shine a light on a vulnerable area of the subconscious or simply teach us that the journey to love is found through forgiveness for another... as much as for oneself. Easier said than done sometimes and I am not one to preach, although in my experience, if there was more forgiveness and acceptance in this world, it'd probably be a much more peaceful and happier place.

going back in to the green womb

After bathing in the shimmering river that lead down to the turquoise waters of the Caribbean ocean, I started making the steep climb up to the small shack, a pentagon shaped hut with a thatch roof that promised to be my home for the next 24 hours. I was ready to delve in to a dimension never consciously voyaged before. This was where I was to join a local shaman with my friend a 66 year old gentleman, Norberto from Taganaga as we go to take what the people call here ‘la medicina’.

La medicina promised me a cleansing like no other and while I have heard and witnessed accounts of people’s experiences with this indigenous herbal concoction, words do very little justice to the experience I was to undergo as I delved in to the green womb of the Earth mother in what I can only describe as a journey through life and death.

Cleansing the medicine on the fire

Juan the shaman started the ceremony with a presence ritual while cleansing the medicine on the fire. He chanted an indigenous mantra while shaking a brush made of leaves and rattles in worship of the mother in prayer.

Juan, the Shaman, blessing the space

The mother, I thought, the mother that will undergo a pain unbeknown in order to create life. A suffering and pain that perhaps, I realised, I had not considered before and this ritual triggered an insight and appreciation for all the women on this planet who give so much of themselves for their children.

The medicine spread through my veins,  as I stretched and started to feel my insides grumble as the potent liquid hit my stomach. I realised that perhaps it was time I lay horizontal as the sun slowly said its farewell to daytime in Colombia.

In that dark meditative moment, as I lay in nothingness I began watching the most incredible five dimensional colourful pattern form through the back of my eyelids. An evolving beauty so colourful and vibrant. A mesmerising inspiration flooded my consciousness in disbelief. I need to see nature. Nature. She called me and I followed her as I opened my eyes and walked gently like a toddler finding her feet walking in to a spot of grass nearby. I sat there, eyes wide and finally saw her. She moved, grew and formed beautiful shapes that were swaying and talking to me. I touched her and gave her love as the colorful patterns of life continued to form in the shadows. Creating a sacred space, I formed a protective dome around my being with an intention that what joined me was only for my highest good. I saw darker formations appear beyond the protective force field around my being like trapped spirits of the underworld looking for their home. I told them; forgive, surrender, let go like a voice inside my head telling myself the very same thing.

And then the bowels finally spoke up. They told me to find a hole in nature to which I had to do my own letting go. Most inconveniently. Nevertheless I stumbled through the shadows, nature guiding me, swaying in the direction I needed to go while pointing out brambles as I balanced barefooted along the pathway. In the darkness a fear cast over me, I breathed deeply as I hastily located the hole in the ground. I was stumbling back somewhat exhausted from my ‘release’, when a sudden wave of energy struck me and before I knew it, a sickness from the depths of my stomach seized me like a tube of toothpaste being squeezed suddenly as whatever weight within wanted to escape from a depths I hadn’t been to before. It purged out of me in a moment that gave me no time to think or breathe.

I crawled back to my spot of nature and lay in awe once more, more intensely, as the sickness and darkness were forgotten amidst a present moment that welcomed a new light. Tears fell as I saw symbols upon symbols floating in colourful lights in trans-dimensional beauty. ‘Be gentle’ said nature. ‘Be gentle’ she held me. And from that moment I was in love absolutely truly in love like a child seeing the wonder of the world through eyes that not only saw but felt it throughout her being.

Juan the shaman visited me from time to time to check I was ok and we shared musical notes, deep ommmmmms and spontaneious outbreaks of laughter as I rotated between lying in awe staring up at the cosmos, with sitting up in admiration at the beauty that surrounded me as nature continued to converse and play with me.

Enough came up for me. So much came up for me, so many epiphanies, releases, acceptances and realisations. I found answers to some of the big questions that had hung heavily around my heart for too long and I met a child within to whom I fell totally in love with. She giggled spontaneously and had no fear. Sometimes she was intense in her joy but I loved finding her in my heart and loved her in a way that I suppose now I see, a mother might love a child. 

Norberto in surrender after the cleanse

I practice yoga regularly and have had many of my internal ‘samskaras’ (sufferings) relieved through various therapies and retreats. While Ayahuasca came to my attention and curiosity over 3 years ago, I am glad that I allowed this time to pass before entering the green womb. The journey between then and now has been more enlightening than I could’ve imagined and I don’t know if I could’ve handled it all at once. I recommend one to take care and be true with oneself should the green womb call and not to rush that journey. It crossed my path when I was ready, in mind, body and soul.

I don’t wish to create expectations in the minds of others reading this as there is so much more than words can even begin to explain and each experience is unique to each individual. Nevertheless, if there was one message that Nature would wish me to share with anyone reading this, it would be this; love mother nature and stop fighting with life.

To that my inner yogini can finally say; I surrender Mother. You don't always make sense, but you are awesome and I can say I live without regrets.

Here is an old post on my first shamanic write up and I want to send thanks and appreciation to Rak Razam who I met in New York and who guided me back to the green womb of "awe".

Below is an extract from philosopher and researcher Terence McKenna (Food of the Gods: The Search for the Original Tree of Knowledge A Radical History of Plants, Drugs, and Human Evolution) 

The experience induced by ayahuasca includes extremely rich tapestries of visual hallucination that are particularly susceptible to being "driven" and directed by sound, especially vocally produced sound. Consequently, one of the legacies of the ayahuasca-using cultures is a large repository of icaros, or magical songs. The effectiveness, sophistication, and dedication of an ayahuasquero is predicated upon how many magical songs he or she has effectively memorized. In the actual curing sessions, both patient and healer ingest ayahuasca and the singing of the magical songs is a shared experience that is largely visual. 

The impact of long-term use of hallucinogenic indoles on mental and physical health is not yet well understood. My own experiences among the mestizo populations of Amazonas convince me that the long-term effect of ayahuasca use is an extraordinary state of health and integration. Ayahuasqueros use sound and suggestion to direct healing energy into parts of the body and unexamined aspects of an individual's personal history where psychic tension has come to rest. Often these methods exhibit startling parallels to the techniques of modem psychotherapy; at other times they seem to represent an understanding of possibilities and energies still unrecognized by Western theories of healing. Most interesting from the point of view of the arguments made in this book are the persistent rumors of states of group-mind or telepathy that occur among the less acculturated tribal peoples. 

Our history of skepticism and empiricism would have us dismiss such claims as impossible, but we should think twice before doing so. The chief lesson to be learned from the psychedelic experience is the degree to which unexamined cultural values and limitations of language have made us the unwitting prisoners of our own assumptions. For it cannot be without reason that wherever in the world hallucinogenic indoles have been utilized, their use has been equated with magical self-healing and regeneration. The low incidence of serious mental illness among such populations is well documented.

man test: save the world

When I was at University, those many years ago, my housemates and I stayed up to watch the American Superbowl. The boys, Jay and Steve, had brought in some beers and Beth and I cooked up food for us and brought along our added bit of lady banter to the late night's gathering.

Given we didn't really know what was happening in the small hours of the morning in this American Football game; we created an even better game to accompany the scene that brought us together.

This was a game of chance involving a giant orange dice. The boys would take it in turns to roll and the girls imposed some naughty rules which went something along the lines of:

1 = man test
2 = remove a piece of clothing
3 = truth
4 = put some make up on
5 = wear a piece of ladies clothing
6 = man test

I remember "Man Test" the most. It ranged from eating soil, snorting vodka, 10 press ups or doing a shot of Tabasco.  It was a bit of 20 year old fun, we had a great night and by the end of it the boys were being rather amusing; Jay ended up naked with a hat over his privates while Steve was wearing a lot of make up.  An amusing memory to reflect upon and giggle.

My father used to say "My House. My Rules" and what a great way to create a mini dictatorship in the family unit. Nevertheless I'll always appreciate his adage "a family that eats together, stays together" however admittedly the moment I was able to be out of the dictatorship, I was.  From University, to London, to Sydney, to now.

For me, the home serves as a beautiful symbol of unity.  

Metaphorically speaking, how wonderful would it be to realise that all the people in the world are our family and the roof has been extended to encompass everything under the sky not just the old man's rooftop.

And if that be the case, I'd love us to throw away the dice and put some real man tests out there rather than getting drunk to football. To encourage us all to step up. To open our eyes to what we have co-created; a world headed towards its own self-destruction. Where nature is plundered and money is worshiped.  Where sex and god are tools for manipulation to buy or hate as opposed to creating loving togetherness and joy.

Marianna Williamson reminded me that perhaps eating soil isn't a great man test anymore, that we can all do our bit to heal ourselves and extend that loving kindness to the people around us, if not the world. That we do not have to live at the mercy of a megalomaniacs fantasy nor behave like badly brought up children.

At this time the great market segment of Baby Boomers are facing their mortality. They also have acquired a lot of wealth in the West and yet, in their older age, there seems to be an acceptance that the 'kids will take care of things' as Western society hides the elderly away (compared to places such as remote India where the feet of the elders are touched as a mark of respect).

Just the other day a lovely mature woman in Woodstock, explained to me how she's relying on 'my generation' to fix things. I was pretty stumped. Everyone is an equal part of this story and boomers have so much to give the world beyond their immediate family that can dramatically change the way we perceive it and the lives of others around the globe.

Much of mankind has emotionally entangled itself with the impermanent, to the 'sins of the body' and not been brave enough to forgive, let go, move on and heal while seeing the bigger picture; this is not a game anymore.

I too feel this need for a 'love revolution' - a united consciousness.  The world needs it.  The disparities have got too wide, our minds too manipulated by greed and our hearts lost in attachment to the impermanent.

I propose a new man test for our home: Save the world.

its all about family

The biggest and bestest lesson I have learned on my travels is the importance of family. In my world at least. Seeing how families unite together and supported one another in the remote parts of India made a huge impression on me. It was humbling.

Western society is very different. Urban environments can create fragmented experiences and expressing ourselves openly can, for societal reasons, feel "awkward". So we go it alone. Headstrong ready to take on the world. Tormenting sometimes on the inside with a reluctance to burden others with our pains.

"What are feelings without emotions?" - La Roux

I spoke to a Japanese hairdresser in Thailand who explained to me that in Japan, if a man cried, he was seen as weak. "Have you watched The Notebook?" I asked him (yes I know its cheese on toast but its a jerker). "Yes and no, I didn't cry... I just can't" replied my stylist in his camp Japanese-English accent.

I don't believe its healthy to suppress our feelings. Creative expression. A big run. A blog. A photograph. A poem. A film. A hairstyle. A campaign. A project to express unconscious frustration. A good chinwag... these are all wonderful examples of self-expression. Its no wonder that Japan is so 4-dimensional. A culture that might not recognise those who have travelled the world for over a year as their own and that only opened to foreigners in the 18th Century (the Dutch to begin with - why does everyone love the Dutch?) has a unique way of disconnecting themselves from one another. The wall is thin in my experience though - perhaps one day it'll crumble.

Seeing people who live without family or have a family that doesn't seem to understand them or care for them, really made me appreciate those that stick around even during the hard times and are there when you just need to go "eurgh....ahhhh....grrr...booo...yey".

My folks, despite my disappearing acts in to the wilderness and having pushed their love away at times, are greatly appreciated. As someone who has lived apart from them for so long, its been so important for me to get to a place of gratitude. They have historically placed expectations on me, which I suppose parents do because they feel like they know what is best for their children, but eventually, we all have to work it out for ourselves. Me not having a 'conventional' lifestyle at the moment has had the old man on edge but I think he's also realised I am a big girl despite being vertically challenged and embracing my inner Mowgli at times.

"Family is important" said the baba I stayed with in Kheer Ganga, a little worship village with hot-springs in the Himalayas when I explained how torn I was between staying to work on the recycling campaign and returning back to the UK.

Family stand by through thick and thin, near and far, sometimes we might not get on at face value, but we love one another. Its human nature.

Thankfully technology enables connectivity to pull faces, chat and catch up when there's distance between us.

Now even Venezuela has tinternet so I can also pull faces at my Abuela (grandma) who has alzeihmers and give her virtual hugs. On my last visit to Venezuela, earlier this year, I asked Abuela what the most important thing in life is, as a woman perpetually living in the present I had faith that her response would be somewhat divinely inspired.

"La salud" she replied, which translates to "well-being". 

If I could wave a magic wand and make a wish come true, it would be for the well-being of my family.

Today it is two years since I left my desk-job. Its not always easy, certainly no constant holiday and eventually I had to learn to be my own superhero, but to come to a place of gratitude for my family is quite sentimentally heart-warming in a way.

Its also my brother's 27th birthday today so I dedicate this to him.